I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I need to stop coming to work sober
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
