Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
