If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
splinters make it hard to masturbate
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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