I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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