I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
