hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
