I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
