I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
