Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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