I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize