I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
