I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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