Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
