I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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