Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
