Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
