I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
