Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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