Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize