I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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