Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
