The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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