Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
