life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
