So drunk, too bad you don't want this
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
