I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize