Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
