I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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