the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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