I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
