It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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