just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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