I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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