My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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