I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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