I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
