it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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