It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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