My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
