I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So many bounce houses so little time
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize