Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
