Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
