Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
