Michael Bay diarrhea
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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