I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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