I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
