Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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