just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
