I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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