i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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