the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize