NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize