last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
