I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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