I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
