So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
