I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
