I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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