I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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