i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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