I just gift wrapped bread.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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