it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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