I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
