i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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